How to Get the Alcoholic Advantage: Part 2
Posted on May 28, 2008
Filed Under Balance, Consciousness, Self Help |
I find that being a recovering alcoholic means that I always need to keep an eye on myself. Oh, not that I might sneak behind my back and have a snort or two of vodka. It’s more about the fact that I need to keep myself in balance at all times or I may start acting in an irrational manner.
As I’ve mentioned before, this is not limited to alcoholics. We all need to keep our emotional equilibrium or suffer the consequences. Let’s look at a trait we would think it would be OK to have but can still get us into a heck of a lot of pain.
Being too Nice
Sometimes too much of a good thing can be, well, too much. If we are being too nice and for the wrong reasons then this is something we need to have a closer look at.
I have a friend name Pete and he is your typical average alpha male. He doesn’t seem the type that you would suspect of being too nice but he is. He already has a lot of commitments on his plate but tends to volunteer for everything that is put in his path.
As a result, he is always behind or late, and often feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes he disappoints himself and others because he can’t meet his obligation and has to back out.
And guaranteed every so often, he explodes in a rage that is rattling all those about him. It’s usually about something inconsequential - the proverbial straw that breaks the camel’s back. Afterward, he’s depressed about his behavior and then the cycle starts all over again.
People Pleasing
Being nice to because you want to is different from being nice because you feel you should. It’s is called people pleasing and it’s not about what is done or how much is given. It’s about the intention behind the act.
If we do something because we think others’ needs are more important, we want to be liked, we fear conflict or we think that we should, than those are not the right reasons.
We are depending on others for a boost to our self esteem when really what we will find is our act is not appreciated nor are we respected. We lack clear boundaries and so feel we must assume responsibility for the people around us.
Fixing
Some of us attempt to make others feel better because it’s uncomfortable watching a friend go through a tough time. We will go to the ends of the earth to give advice or fix a situation so that everything will be OK again. Or we feel guilty because our lives are going better. We find if we help them solve the problem, we can stop experiencing these negative emotions and go back to enjoying life.
Trouble is, life isn’t always meant to be enjoyed. As I’ve mentioned before, pain is often the motivating factor in our spiritual growth. Often we have to go through hell to reach heaven, and we don’t stretch our limits when life is going well. We limit everyone’s growth when we need to fix the situation. They don’t grow by taking responsibility and we don’t grow by believing that our friendship is enough.
Bottom Line
The bottom line is life is all about growth and balance. Oftentimes it’s not pretty to deal with but is well worth it in the end. The following points can help us to change our people pleasing ways and find the middle ground:
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Figure out where your life stops and others peoples lives start. Get a clear idea of your boundaries. Consider getting counselling to help with it.
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Just say no. You can say no in a kind but firm way. An assertive training course teaches exactly that.
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You don’t have to give an excuse, you can stop at no. This is one the hardest but most freeing things I ever learned to do.
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Ask yourself is what’s the worst that can happen? Often when we face our fears, we see that they are not really that big of a deal.
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Visualize a typical situation where you get roped into doing something and see a different ending. Post reminders of your new attitude where you’ll see them on a regular basis.
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Practice conversations and your new way of reacting until it’s comfortable.
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Be kind to yourself and know that you are worth it. Get a massage, have a nap, read a book but make sure you take the time to nourish your soul.
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[…] Vance gives some really good advice in these posts: How to get the Alcoholic Advantage: Part 1, How to Get the Alcoholic Advantage: Part 2 and How to Stop Playing the Blame […]