Who Wins in a Fight with God (Zen, Buddha, Jane)?
Posted on May 29, 2008
Filed Under Acceptance, Enlightenment, Letting Go |
We interrupt our normally scheduled programming (The Alcoholic Advantage) to bring you this special bulletin just in.
Actually, it’s something I just remembered.
Did I ever tell you about the time I had a knock down drag out fight with God? No? Oh well, do let me fill you in on this one. It was a doozy.
Living in Perfection
There I was going along minding my own business doing my 5 year schtick in AA and trying to be as good a little recovering alkie as I could be.
I was:
- Going to an AA meeting a day and sometimes two.
- Doing my daily reading of the big book which is AA’s version of the bible.
- Whining to my sponsor on the phone every night, without fail.
- Praying every morning and night to a power greater than myself that I chose to call God for lack of a better idea.
- Sponsoring other crazies.
- Changing my old friends, habits, places and, oh, just everything.
In short I was doing the AA program as perfectly as possible.
Happily, I was not drinking but otherwise, I was pretty miserable. Trying to live in perfection is very stressful and depending how crazy you get about it, the pressure can be gynormous.
The Tipping Point
As you can imagine, one day I finally cracked. To be truthful, I’m not even sure what it was that set me over the edge of sanity, but I lost it and I lost it big time. I started screaming at the top of my lungs asking God just what the hell he was thinking? I ranted on asking him just how he thought I was going to do whatever it was I was upset about. I told him how stupid I thought he was and threw him every four letter word in every language I could think of. I stomped my feet, and jumped up and down. And then I swore some more.
Finally, I got it all out of my system and collapsed into a puddle of subdued sobbing. As that subsided, I picked my head up and noticed that all was eerily quiet. Nary a noise could be heard. Anywhere. Then I realized that the sound I was waiting for was the sizzling, swishing sound of an incoming thunderbolt.
And much to my amazement, there wasn’t one.
Who Won?
It was at this point I realized I had unknowingly formed an idea of what God was about and it was a very weird one. Intellectually speaking, I thought I was rather sophisticated in my spiritual beliefs. Apparently this was not the case.
It occurred to me that my god was an angry one and full of judgement. It also seemed that I was pretty superstitious and I had ideas surrounding how I should behave toward him. Even the fact that I resonated with him being male astounded the quasi-feminist in me. And obviously, I was cool with the name God instead of Zen, Buddha or Jane.
Our initial training as children goes deep. I didn’t even realize I had these ideas until they were removed. And I believe they were removed. I got to own and then release a bunch of deeply held yet limiting thoughts about him. Now, I’m not so concerned about his gender or name or how I should think and behave towards him. I think after listening to all that commotion I put out, he’s got to be pretty compassionate.
So who wins in a fight with God? Well, I did. I still don’t know what or who or where God is, but I’m a little more comfortable with him now. I mean, if you can go a round with God and there’s no shiny pointy things coming at you afterward, then all is got to be OK.
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10 Responses to “Who Wins in a Fight with God (Zen, Buddha, Jane)?”
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Well dear, I enjoyed your story. It was a very interesting tale. The only thing is that I have rarely run across a person who was working steps in AA who was miserable for any considerable period. General people who are miserable are out of sync with principles (I don’t mean that people are pain free. It’s just that misery and suffering are optional). God is … the blank is for you to fill in. That’s what the 2nd step gives you.
It’s never been about being a Good AA. It’s been about how to find happiness without the need of resorting to Alcohol. The suggest having a loving and caring God because that you will always win with God.
Oh, I’ve had my moments of railing at God myself during. I believe God is big enough to not to take it personally. LOL
Thanks Clarence, glad you enjoyed it.
You are absolutely right about it not being about a good AA. That’s a hurdle I got over through experiences like this.
And again, you’re right, God is big enough.
Well put.
I like to say that you can fight God in only as much as you can fight yourself. Beyond that, it is illusion only.
vimohs last blog post..What caused you?
Yes, Vimoh. Perhaps we are one and the same?
oooh, what a cool post!
yes, isn’t it amazing how we have these little-girl ideas of god? there’s a part of me that still sees god as the bearded guy in the sky. i’ve given up on trying to get rid of him, just invited him in along with all the other guys, gals and assorted entities in my head
isabella moris last blog post..learning to listen
I think it is those kind of blow ups that push us towards wherever it is we are needing to go. I have had them myslef and now am glad of it.Great story and you are right about our ingrained beliefs.
heidis last blog post..My Life As It Was, Is, and Will Be
You’re absolutely right, Heidi. I’ve always feel I’ve grown a bit after a squabble with the Creator. May we have many more!
Welcome Isabella (and fellow Vancouver-ite!) Thanks so much for your kind words.
Yeah, I too still have old ideas all mixed up with the new one and just accept them for what they are.
[…] Sure, I’ve had my fair share of miracles. (They are there if you watch for them). I’ve also had knock down, drag out fights with God and lived to tell the tale without getting struck by that highly anticipated bolt of lightening. […]
you cannot fight with god as he will prevail in the end. truth prevails over evil