How to Stop Playing the Blame Game
Posted on June 4, 2008
Filed Under Awareness, Letting Go, Recovery |
The fourth installment in the series of How to Get the Alcoholic Advantage.
Before I had my frontal lobotomy (read: got sober and did a lot of work on myself), one of my favorite coping mechanisms was to blame. Maybe it was my all time favorite, I can’t remember. Those brain cells are dead and gone now. By choice.
It didn’t matter who, what, where, when or how it happened, I used blame a lot. I had to. The life I called my own sucked big time and it couldn’t be my fault, could it? Heck no.
So Whose Fault Was It?
I blamed my parents because, let’s face it, parents have been the all time classic cause of one’s life sucking, and drinking did not leave me a lot of excess creativity with which to make excuses.
And, while I loved my job, I blamed it anyway. It took up precious partying time, cramped my style when I did party, and didn’t pay enough. I therefore couldn’t afford much of anything. At all. Another cause to be sure of a life of suckage.
Last but definitely not least, I blamed the boyfriend du jour, because I was sure that was what he was there for. Right?
I did it so much, it was just an automatic response when things went wrong. Eventually, all my excuses were removed. I moved far away from my folks, got dumped by boyfriends, was fired from jobs and couldn’t afford much in the way of booze. Soon, I had nothing left to blame my misery on. And then the light came on…
Blame is a natural response for we who populate the human race. Heck, we’ve been doing it since God threw Adam and Eve out of the Garden. When we’re having the fight or flight response to a bad situation, it’s just easier to dump the negative energy onto some else’s shoulders. It makes us feel better and we have a focus for our anger. But as I’ve said before, it takes two to tango.
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Learn to Handle your Anger
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Letting Go
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Take responsibility
I had to learn to do whatever it took to not react in a negative manner. End of story. (Or see above link)
So maybe we didn’t have the perfect childhood. Join the club. Most people didn’t. It occurred to me that even my parent may not have had such a great childhood either. Could it be that they were just doing the best that they knew how? And regardless, I was all growed up now and needed to learn to…
I started to see that no one can make us feel any particular way nor are they responsible for our lives. It’s all up to us. Every last bit of it. The excuses we may throw up for roadblocks are just that: excuses. There’s no other reason why our life sucks other than us. And when we pass on the responsibility for our problems to someone else, we also pass on our personal power and control over our destiny. Who wants that?
As I believe life is a constant learning situation, I find it helpful to try to understand what life is teaching me in any situation. While it may not seem like my fault at first, if I trace it back far enough, I usually find that I’ve made a choice at some point that has landed me in that position.
When we acknowledge and accept our flaws and bad actions, that clears the decks for personal growth. Apologizing for past behavior is one of the most freeing actions I have ever taken. An enormous weight is lifted from the shoulders that the blame should have been placed on all along. Mine.
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Great way to say this!
Only yesterday I met someone who would rather blame the cold town he lives in for his illness and therefore his ‘inability’ to get a job than take responsibility for his life. Distressing.
Reminds me of what Peale said once:
“Empty pockets never held anyone back. Only empty heads and empty hearts can do that.”
vimohs last blog post..What caused you?
Just what I needed to read
OCMs last blog post..Two Crazy Mothers: Parentpreneurs
Thank you Vimoh. You are a kind and generous man!
Welcome and glad I could be of assistance!